When You Battle Fear

There are good days and rough days and occasionally bad days. Today is a rough day. The last few weeks for me have been very good. Today started off not so great.  I have no idea why. I know I have PMS so I have hormones that make me feel like I want to cry constantly for no good reason.  I also know that I feel stressed about our house in Marshfield that has a garage with problems. That house also needs to be sold, but home prices in Marshfield are continuing to decline despite the economy there beginning to recover.

There are some things that I have learned as I battle against fear and panic. The fist is sleep. I guard my sleep very closely. Sleep is healing for the body and rejuvenating.  When I am tired, I am more sensitive to fear and over eating.  Thus, I go to bed at a consistent time and try to wake at a consistent time. I also keep my schedule with lots of margin.  I don't over-schedule myself. Stress is not a good thing for me to process through.

Then there are days like today that have no reason other than that stupid enemy of our souls. I feel emotionally on edge and vulnerable. For the sake of honesty, let me share with you what goes through my mind:
"will I start to hear noises. Will I start to hear my name being said over and over and go crazy. Why do I battle this. Why am I so scared of going insane. I will end up incapacitated in a mental hospital. My kids won't know me. I will be useless. People will talk about me and how crazy I am."  Then I see all this played out in my mind.  Literally, I can feel my body begin to panic.  I try to snap out of this snowball effect by saying Scripture out loud, Worship music, and praying. Today as I was driving, I literally said out loud to myself, "Change the spotlight"  which in essence means to stop focusing on the fear. Switch my thinking to a Philippians 4:8 type of thoughts: true, right, noble, pure, lovely and admirable thoughts.

There are also days that this battle causes weariness. Today is also one of those days. I cry out to the Lord for His strength to endure and walk through to deliverance.  His answer to my cry is consistently, "My grace is sufficient for you."  He is my strength even though I feel weary and worn from this battle. I am tired and worn today.  Yet I know He will sustain me. I know that tomorrow will be better!

It never ceases to amaze me that on these rough days, if I expose what is going on then I feel a sense of relief. The enemies tactics are exposed.  

I don't understand this battle. I don't know that I will ever have an answer as to why me?  But I do know that I can trust Him even though it's incredibly difficult.  And I expectantly wait for His full healing for me!