There are good days and rough days and occasionally bad days. Today is a rough day. The last few weeks for me have been very good. Today started off not so great. I have no idea why. I know I have PMS so I have hormones that make me feel like I want to cry constantly for no good reason. I also know that I feel stressed about our house in Marshfield that has a garage with problems. That house also needs to be sold, but home prices in Marshfield are continuing to decline despite the economy there beginning to recover.
There are some things that I have learned as I battle against fear and panic. The fist is sleep. I guard my sleep very closely. Sleep is healing for the body and rejuvenating. When I am tired, I am more sensitive to fear and over eating. Thus, I go to bed at a consistent time and try to wake at a consistent time. I also keep my schedule with lots of margin. I don't over-schedule myself. Stress is not a good thing for me to process through.
Then there are days like today that have no reason other than that stupid enemy of our souls. I feel emotionally on edge and vulnerable. For the sake of honesty, let me share with you what goes through my mind:
"will I start to hear noises. Will I start to hear my name being said over and over and go crazy. Why do I battle this. Why am I so scared of going insane. I will end up incapacitated in a mental hospital. My kids won't know me. I will be useless. People will talk about me and how crazy I am." Then I see all this played out in my mind. Literally, I can feel my body begin to panic. I try to snap out of this snowball effect by saying Scripture out loud, Worship music, and praying. Today as I was driving, I literally said out loud to myself, "Change the spotlight" which in essence means to stop focusing on the fear. Switch my thinking to a Philippians 4:8 type of thoughts: true, right, noble, pure, lovely and admirable thoughts.
There are also days that this battle causes weariness. Today is also one of those days. I cry out to the Lord for His strength to endure and walk through to deliverance. His answer to my cry is consistently, "My grace is sufficient for you." He is my strength even though I feel weary and worn from this battle. I am tired and worn today. Yet I know He will sustain me. I know that tomorrow will be better!
It never ceases to amaze me that on these rough days, if I expose what is going on then I feel a sense of relief. The enemies tactics are exposed.
I don't understand this battle. I don't know that I will ever have an answer as to why me? But I do know that I can trust Him even though it's incredibly difficult. And I expectantly wait for His full healing for me!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Oh My...2 Whole Months..
Wow! I haven't updated for 2 months. We have been busy adjusting to life here in Peoria.
I feel that I could share oodles and oodles of stuff with you all. Here I go:
God has been challenging and transforming me. This is not a pain free process. I feel like there isn't one area of my life that He has left untouched. He has been exposing pride, bitterness, lack of trust on and on it goes. Each time He brings something to light, I find myself before Him repenting and processing through what it is He wants to show me. I'm not sure why it's all happening at once, but it is. I have to trust His process even though it's quite overwhelming.
I have been reading a new book, The Church Planting Wife by Christine Hoover. I'm really liking the book. The author does have a more extreme view of women in marriage that I am not in full agreement with, however she does address some great topics related to our hearts (ie. dependence, trust). Truly, how often do we find a book that we fully agree with the author. There are always good things to be learned if the author is a true follower of Christ. Reading this book has begun to stir something in my heart that has existed for a long time.
Read these stats:
*65% of church planting wives say their husbands provide their primary emotional support
*59% of CPW's are busy leading one to three major ministries in the church in addition to family, community and personal commitments and have little time for friendship cultivation
*56% of pastor's wives report having no close friends
*80% report having struggled with depression
This makes my blood boil! Why? Because women are dying out there and what are we doing about it? These women have given their lives in service to their King, but who is stepping up to care for them. Bear with me here..yes, there are organizations for pastor's wives and the men themselves are trying their best to care for their wives. But the husband is NOT designed to care for every need of his wife. My personal experience is that most organizations trying to minister to Pastor's wives rarely address the REAL issues. It seems to be an encouraging devotional and then a craft or recipe. Really???????? (My opinionated self is coming out here)
My heart is dreaming of a place where CPW's can share the true issues of their heart and share honestly. To talk about how every area of life is affected by ministry. To share how it's hard and how it can be discouraging. To share how it can be invigorating and joy filled. To share those honest feelings we have about how will our kids respond to being raised in ministry. HONESTY, AUTHENTICITY, REALITY!
I dream of creating this place. But have no idea where to start.. When I get ready in the morning, I have visions of women sitting at tables sharing honestly. Women crying as they open up for the first time and share that they struggle. Visions of praying for healing and wholeness for these women. Women being empowered to be authentic and then being more empowered to minister to their families because they have been released from hiding. This is my dream! Where it starts, I have no idea! It's daunting and breath taking. But somehow it can happen.
I feel that I could share oodles and oodles of stuff with you all. Here I go:
God has been challenging and transforming me. This is not a pain free process. I feel like there isn't one area of my life that He has left untouched. He has been exposing pride, bitterness, lack of trust on and on it goes. Each time He brings something to light, I find myself before Him repenting and processing through what it is He wants to show me. I'm not sure why it's all happening at once, but it is. I have to trust His process even though it's quite overwhelming.
I have been reading a new book, The Church Planting Wife by Christine Hoover. I'm really liking the book. The author does have a more extreme view of women in marriage that I am not in full agreement with, however she does address some great topics related to our hearts (ie. dependence, trust). Truly, how often do we find a book that we fully agree with the author. There are always good things to be learned if the author is a true follower of Christ. Reading this book has begun to stir something in my heart that has existed for a long time.Read these stats:
*65% of church planting wives say their husbands provide their primary emotional support
*59% of CPW's are busy leading one to three major ministries in the church in addition to family, community and personal commitments and have little time for friendship cultivation
*56% of pastor's wives report having no close friends
*80% report having struggled with depression
This makes my blood boil! Why? Because women are dying out there and what are we doing about it? These women have given their lives in service to their King, but who is stepping up to care for them. Bear with me here..yes, there are organizations for pastor's wives and the men themselves are trying their best to care for their wives. But the husband is NOT designed to care for every need of his wife. My personal experience is that most organizations trying to minister to Pastor's wives rarely address the REAL issues. It seems to be an encouraging devotional and then a craft or recipe. Really???????? (My opinionated self is coming out here)
My heart is dreaming of a place where CPW's can share the true issues of their heart and share honestly. To talk about how every area of life is affected by ministry. To share how it's hard and how it can be discouraging. To share how it can be invigorating and joy filled. To share those honest feelings we have about how will our kids respond to being raised in ministry. HONESTY, AUTHENTICITY, REALITY!
I dream of creating this place. But have no idea where to start.. When I get ready in the morning, I have visions of women sitting at tables sharing honestly. Women crying as they open up for the first time and share that they struggle. Visions of praying for healing and wholeness for these women. Women being empowered to be authentic and then being more empowered to minister to their families because they have been released from hiding. This is my dream! Where it starts, I have no idea! It's daunting and breath taking. But somehow it can happen.
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