I need to process which means you all get to be the receipients of my processing)
PLEASE NOTE: I am too tired to spell check so you'll have to bear with me.
It's been a rough few weeks. In April, I took on two new meetings at work. The previous leader was removed from the meetings for some reason. What's been so hard is a couple of members have been really hard on me and not very nice either. I've tried to hold it together in the midst of this situation telling myself that it doesn't has to get to me. I know that I am just their target right now for their anger. However, it has gotten to me, and I need to be honest about that. It's been downright rough. I feel insecure as a leader right now even though my boss has been incredibly affirming to me. But I haven't allowed myself to process those emotions.
You see, I kind of deal with this "toughen up girl" attitude. I'm all about helping other people process their emotions, but I don't like to face mine. To be fully honest, crying scares me. It scares me because it causes a flashback for me of nine years ago when I sat on nursery floor scared out of my mind that I was going to lose my mind. If I cry, I get scared that it means I'm back in that place. But that's a lie from the pit of you know where.
Today being in the meeting room from 6:45 am- 1 pm, leading two meetings, listening to these angry members vent to my boss and having a coaching session with my boss, I thought I would be fine. Yet I sat down in my car to drive home and began to feel panicked. Why? I was fine all day, it didn't make any sense. I got to my friends house to pick up Micaiah and her words spoke life to me. After telling her what was going on, she said "You have every right to feel the .way you do." Then she pointed out that right now we don't really have a home church because we're in the process of building one. (going to a different church week after week has been painful). She also pointed out that right now we don't have small groups that offer us support and community. It was at this point that I started to sob. My grief and loneliness came to the surface. There it was.....this is what is truly going on in my soul, and I haven't dealt with it.
Yes, this process at work has been painful and so difficult. But what I really need is friends that support and carry me through with the love of Christ. There is a very valid reason that the Lord tells us to not forsake the fellowship of Believers. There is strength in fellowship. There is healing in fellowship.
I knew this year would be a massive sacrifice, and I need to be willing to acknowledge my feelings/emotions and not expect myself to "pull it up by the bootstraps". IT'S HARD. I'M LONELY, I MISS MY FRIENDS! I MISS A HOME CHURCH AND SMALL GROUP!!! I MISS SMALL TOWN LIFE!!!!! AND IT FEELS INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL TO FEEL SO ALONE.
So this is me acknowledging my emotions today. Now I need to just process them. Thanks for listening.
