Just a Rough Day

I am so glad that I have kept this blog that has chronicled our journey in church planting. I was just looking back at a year ago right now. We had so many unanswered questions. We still have unanswered questions, but God always seems to come through at the last minute.

It's September 14th, our house needs to sell and close by November 1st. I have no idea what God is doing, but I'm choosing to trust His character.  JEJIT=just enough, just in time

I went to work this morning and had a great meeting. A filled room always makes for a great meeting. Now that summer is over our members are returning, which helps with income!  It's a beautiful day about 68 degrees and sunny. As I drove home, I started feeling myself get sad.  What is going on...loneliness!  Sometimes this hits me and it's just part of the grief process of moving.  I don't have a "bosom" buddy here with whom I am comfortable and can share all my thoughts etc... with.  We also don't have "couple" friends with whom we spend time. I can't remember the last time I went out to coffee with a friend.  I knew this year would be hard, but there are days that the grief sets in and I just want to cry. Today is one of those days.  I want to be out somewhere with friends having fun. I want our family to have close friends whom we can just call up and enjoy. 

Last April, at the Exponential Conference, one of the speakers talked about that in ministry there is pain and privilege. There are so many privileges. People love on you, give things to you, send you away on trips, on and on it goes.  The pain is often about relationships. In moving, you lose a sense of history with others and relationships change, which is painful. Then there is the pain of relationships take time to develop. That waiting time is so hard.  Even though my heart is really heavy today, I try to remember this statement about pain and privilege.  

On a more fun note, Elizabeth had her first happy face taken away at school this week. I seriously just had to laugh after she told me about it. Apparently, when her teacher left the room, Beth got up and started dancing on the carpet.  One of the other kids told on her once the teacher returned. When the teacher came to Beth, Beth just handed the teacher her happy face card because she knew what was going to happen.  Elizabeth was just broken because she had never lost a happy face.  I laughed privately because I can just imagine how hard it must be to sit all day for our little girl who is constantly doing cartwheels and dancing at home.  She cracks me up!

Back To The Market We GO

And I feel like puking.  Trying to sell a house has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  Today as I was signing realty papers, my heart started to race, and I could feel the anxiety rise in me.  I prayed for peace, but it didn't come quickly. I'm still waiting, somewhat.

I have moments when I believe that God will totally take care of it. Then I have moments when my mind begins to race...the what if's set in. "What if it doesn't sell in time? What if we don't clear the mortgage? What if it's empty? What if the offer and commission doesn't cover what we owe still?  We can't pay a mortgage and pay rent. What if, what if, what if".  I wish I could just live out Proverbs 3:5-6 on this issue:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on you own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

Seriously, what really kills me is we bought this house in February 2008 for $95,000. It was listed then at $98,000.  And now we are listing it at $97,900 with a 4th bedroom added, updated bathroom and updated flooring. DARN MARKET!!!!!  And really, I would just like to sell it at $95,000 so that we can have some left to put toward a down payment here in Peoria. I would really, really like to have our own home again and not a duplex. Don't get me wrong, God provided this great duplex for us, but I miss a home that I can make my own by painting and decorating. We have things stuffed in every nook and cranny here. We don't fit but for now we make it work.  And we have loved this duplex! 

So....if you know anyone in Marshfield, WI that is looking for a GREAT starter home (even a home warranty attached) let them know.  Here is a link of our cute little house from when we tried to sell it by owner. Paul made an awesome video presentation for us:
www.507ncherryave.blogspot.com

Thanks for listening!!!

Emotions or lack thereof.

I need to process which means you all get to be the receipients of my processing)

PLEASE NOTE: I am too tired to spell check so you'll have to bear with me.

It's been a rough few weeks.  In April, I took on two new meetings at work.  The previous leader was removed from the meetings for some reason.  What's been so hard is a couple of members have been really hard on me and not very nice either.  I've tried to hold it together in the midst of this situation telling myself that it doesn't has to get to me. I know that I am just their target right now for their anger.  However, it has gotten to me, and I need to be honest about that. It's been downright rough.  I feel insecure as a leader right now even though my boss has been incredibly affirming to me.  But I haven't allowed myself to process those emotions.

You see, I kind of deal with this "toughen up girl" attitude. I'm all about helping other people process their emotions, but I don't like to face mine.  To be fully honest, crying scares me.  It scares me because it causes a flashback for me of nine years ago when I sat on nursery floor scared out of my mind that I was going to lose my mind.  If I cry, I get scared that it means I'm back in that place.  But that's a lie from the pit of you know where.

Today being in the meeting room from 6:45 am- 1 pm, leading two meetings, listening to these angry members vent to my boss and having a coaching session with my boss, I thought I would be fine. Yet I sat down in my car to drive home and began to feel panicked.  Why? I was fine all day, it didn't make any sense.  I got to my friends house to pick up Micaiah and her words spoke life to me. After telling her what was going on, she said "You have every right to feel the .way you do."  Then she pointed out that right now we don't really have a home church because we're in the process of building one.  (going to a different church week after week has been painful).  She also pointed out that right now we don't have small groups that offer us support and community. It was at this point that I started to sob.  My grief and loneliness came to the surface.  There it was.....this is what is truly going on in my soul, and I haven't dealt with it.

Yes, this process at work has been painful and so difficult. But what I really need is friends that support and carry me through with the love of Christ. There is a very valid reason that the Lord tells us to not forsake the fellowship of Believers. There is strength in fellowship. There is healing in fellowship.

I knew this year would be a massive sacrifice, and I need to be willing to acknowledge my feelings/emotions and not expect myself to "pull it up by the bootstraps". IT'S HARD.  I'M LONELY, I MISS MY FRIENDS! I MISS A HOME CHURCH AND SMALL GROUP!!! I MISS SMALL TOWN LIFE!!!!! AND IT FEELS INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL TO FEEL SO ALONE.

So this is me acknowledging my emotions today. Now I need to just process them. Thanks for listening.

Can't Shake It.

Saturday afternoon I was at my parent's house when my mom gasped while sitting at the computer. I asked what was wrong. She replied, "Rick Warren's son committed suicide." What????? How can this be?  This is beyond horrific.  We googled it to find out that since birth this young man had fought deep depression with no response to many types of treatment. 

Two years ago, Paul and I attended a conference in Orlando where Rick Warren spoke. Many people have criticized him for being "soft" on the Gospel, I couldn't disagree more!  When we heard him speak, he shared the Gospel in full. He was amazing.  We are actually supposed to be at that same conference two weeks from today. Pastor Warren is supposed to be there, but now I wonder if his heart and his wife's heart can endure being apart from one another.

I have been shaken deeply by this young man's death. Matthew was his name. Matthew which means, "Gift of God".  I can't explain the deep disruption in my soul. I am left with deep questions about why? Why was he not allowed to experience the release from depression? Why do his parents and family have to endure this deep, deep pain? 

I wonder why I get to experience God's beautiful grace by finding quick relief from panic attacks, but this young man suffered his entire life.  I am taken back that I am so deeply unworthy of God's grace, yet He lavishes it on me fully. And just because I have experienced some freedom doesn't mean that I was any better than Matthew or any more worthy than Matthew.

I remember when I got married. As Paul and I were leaving the reception, I went to hug Courtney, my best friend since 11 years old. I hugged her and sobbed because I knew that when she went home that night she would be deeply saddened that she was still single. Why did God make her wait longer than me? She is now married and having a baby this summer. Yet her wait was so much longer than mine. We shed tears together as we waited for God to bring men to us that were men of God.  She didn't do anything wrong, but her wait was 9 years longer than mine. 

These issues cause me to wrestle with God, much like Jacob did.  Answer me, tell me!! Why did Tammy Cyvekus, of Marshfield, die?  She had 5 wonderful, home-schooled children who needed their mama.  She fought so valiantly and never gave in. She came and taught the little kids on Sundays when she could barely walk. She refused to give that up.  Why?

But here is what I am left with..I will never have the answers to these questions on this side of Heaven. These are the questions that just can't be answered on earth.  These are the questions that are left for the Lord to answer should He so choose to.  These are the questions that move my faith from being a surface faith to a deep abiding faith. I have to choose to TRUST that He is fully in control. I don't get it. It makes me angry, but He gets it and He knows why. I don't like His ways right now, but I have to trust that His way is always the perfect way. 

I am also reminded that we see in a tunnel of earthly wisdom.  We only know earth.  His ways are higher than our ways. And His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He knows more than I do. We see through a glass darkly, as I Corinthians tells us. I like to think I know it all, and that I have the full picture. But I just DON'T.

With each tragedy that I hear about via the news or another way, I long more and more for that day that there will be no more tears, no more questions of why. We will be safe in His presence. Worshiping our Glorious Maker.

I hold onto the hope that He is all sufficient, all powerful, all good and all faithful.  And one day, we will no longer ache with the pain of death.

When You Battle Fear

There are good days and rough days and occasionally bad days. Today is a rough day. The last few weeks for me have been very good. Today started off not so great.  I have no idea why. I know I have PMS so I have hormones that make me feel like I want to cry constantly for no good reason.  I also know that I feel stressed about our house in Marshfield that has a garage with problems. That house also needs to be sold, but home prices in Marshfield are continuing to decline despite the economy there beginning to recover.

There are some things that I have learned as I battle against fear and panic. The fist is sleep. I guard my sleep very closely. Sleep is healing for the body and rejuvenating.  When I am tired, I am more sensitive to fear and over eating.  Thus, I go to bed at a consistent time and try to wake at a consistent time. I also keep my schedule with lots of margin.  I don't over-schedule myself. Stress is not a good thing for me to process through.

Then there are days like today that have no reason other than that stupid enemy of our souls. I feel emotionally on edge and vulnerable. For the sake of honesty, let me share with you what goes through my mind:
"will I start to hear noises. Will I start to hear my name being said over and over and go crazy. Why do I battle this. Why am I so scared of going insane. I will end up incapacitated in a mental hospital. My kids won't know me. I will be useless. People will talk about me and how crazy I am."  Then I see all this played out in my mind.  Literally, I can feel my body begin to panic.  I try to snap out of this snowball effect by saying Scripture out loud, Worship music, and praying. Today as I was driving, I literally said out loud to myself, "Change the spotlight"  which in essence means to stop focusing on the fear. Switch my thinking to a Philippians 4:8 type of thoughts: true, right, noble, pure, lovely and admirable thoughts.

There are also days that this battle causes weariness. Today is also one of those days. I cry out to the Lord for His strength to endure and walk through to deliverance.  His answer to my cry is consistently, "My grace is sufficient for you."  He is my strength even though I feel weary and worn from this battle. I am tired and worn today.  Yet I know He will sustain me. I know that tomorrow will be better!

It never ceases to amaze me that on these rough days, if I expose what is going on then I feel a sense of relief. The enemies tactics are exposed.  

I don't understand this battle. I don't know that I will ever have an answer as to why me?  But I do know that I can trust Him even though it's incredibly difficult.  And I expectantly wait for His full healing for me!

Oh My...2 Whole Months..

Wow!  I haven't updated for 2 months.  We have been busy adjusting to life here in Peoria.

I feel that I could share oodles and oodles of stuff with you all.  Here I go:
God has been challenging and transforming me.  This is not a pain free process.  I feel like there isn't one area of my life that He has left untouched.  He has been exposing pride, bitterness, lack of trust on and on it goes.  Each time He brings something to light, I find myself before Him repenting and processing through what it is He wants to show me.  I'm not sure why it's all happening at once, but it is. I have to trust His process even though it's quite overwhelming.

I have been reading a new book, The Church Planting Wife by Christine Hoover.  I'm really liking the book.  The author does have a more extreme view of women in marriage that I am not in full agreement with, however she does address some great topics related to our hearts (ie. dependence, trust).  Truly, how often do we find a book that we fully agree with the author.  There are always good things to be learned if the author is a true follower of Christ.  Reading this book has begun to stir something in my heart that has existed for a long time.

Read these stats:
*65% of church planting wives say their husbands provide their primary emotional support
*59% of CPW's are busy leading one to three major ministries in the church in addition to family, community and personal commitments and have little time for friendship cultivation
*56% of pastor's wives report having no close friends
*80% report having struggled with depression

This makes my blood boil!  Why? Because women are dying out there and what are we doing about it?  These women have given their lives in service to their King, but who is stepping up to care for them.  Bear with me here..yes, there are organizations for pastor's wives and the men themselves are trying their best to care for their wives. But the husband is NOT designed to care for every need of his wife. My personal experience is that most organizations trying to minister to Pastor's wives rarely address the REAL issues. It seems to be an encouraging devotional and then a craft or recipe.  Really????????  (My opinionated self is coming out here)

My heart is dreaming of a place where CPW's can share the true issues of their heart and share honestly.  To talk about how every area of life is affected by ministry. To share how it's hard and how it can be discouraging. To share how it can be invigorating and joy filled. To share those honest feelings we have about how will our kids respond to being raised in ministry.  HONESTY, AUTHENTICITY, REALITY!  

I dream of creating this place. But have no idea where to start.. When I get ready in the morning, I have visions of women sitting at tables sharing honestly. Women crying as they open up for the first time and share that they struggle. Visions of praying for healing and wholeness for these women.   Women being empowered to be authentic and then being more empowered to minister to their families because they have been released from hiding.  This is my dream!  Where it starts, I have no idea!  It's daunting and breath taking.  But somehow it can happen.

Too long..

I'm sitting at Bread Company (aka Panera).  I came here to get caught up with my Weight Watchers employee updates. I feel so disconnected from work after the Holidays and being off.  Tomorrow I start a brand new meeting in Pekin. I'm hoping that since it's new people will come! 

An FYI for you in case you weren't aware. Panera Bread originated in St. Louis as St. Louis Bread Company. St. Louis natives refer to it as Bread Co.  Even though we've been gone for StL for 5 years, this restaurant will always be Bread Co. to me. I have spent many hours escaping here and spending time with friends over coffee.  When Joshua was born, Lianne and I used to meet here weekly for breakfast very early in the morning before Paul went to work. Those were precious times, and I covet them to this day.

We continue to do well in Peoria. Things are moving along. Honestly, our hardest transition has been the schools here.  It is just such a different environment.  I hurt for our kids deeply on this issue. Joshua begs to be home-schooled, but we know this is not a good choice for him.  His biggest complaint is just how long the school day is.  If he was home-schooled, he is convinced he would be done with his work in two hours.  The other compliant from both our kids is that their teachers yell a lot.  This makes me sad. They were used to a warm and inviting atmosphere in Marshfield schools. Again, it's just different here.  I feel that a lot of their methods are negative based i.e a graded (A-F) behavior report sent home every Friday.  Every offense from the week is listed on the behavior report.  I find myself thinking "really, is this what we need for these kids, a weekly record of wrongs".  I believe children will respond better when there is a positive based environment. Of course, they should be held responsible for their actions but a weekly graded report????  Many times I have found myself in prayer asking God to check my attitude and keep my mama-bear instinct in hand.

As I reflect on the last two months in Peoria, I realize that there has been a massive transformation in me that I just wasn't aware of.  When we moved to Marshfield, I was absolutely devastated about leaving the amenities of a city.  As we transition to Peoria, I have found that while it's nice to have a Starbucks, I don't "need" those other parts of a city.  They are a nice convenience but not a must have.  And in regard to coffee, I dearly miss my mom and pop shop , Coffee Cabin, in Marshfield. How I would love a cup of their Jamaican Me Crazy brew! And here in Peoria, everything feels so far away. My beloved Target that used to be .5 miles away is now a whopping 3 miles away:(

There has been a transformation of priorities in my heart. God used Marshfield to do that in me.  He removed me from all that I placed value in and renewed in me that what matters is Him and my family.  Being back near our families has been truly precious!  My dad is even able to come stay with me for a couple of days next week while Paul is out of town. Dad is coming to stay with the kids while I work those two days. Do you know how HUGE this is for me?  The fact that I can call on my parents for just two days to come.  Both sets of parents were always available to us, but to be this close and have them come for less than 24 hours is a TRUE gift.  Having a slower year in work (even though it's really tough financially) this last year with Micaiah at home is a TRUE gift!  Having one of my best friends drive to be with me for 8 hours is a TRUE gift.  Paul's schedule not being so demanding for a year is a TRUE gift! 

These reflections, lead me to being so thankful for our 5 years in Marshfield. What a truly tough place for me the first 3 years. Looking back, I am so incredibly thankful for what God did in my life there.  He transformed me. He made me new there!  He gave me life-long friends there!  He grew me up there! 

And I'm so thankful for what He is teaching me here already!  I shared that within a few days of being here I was once again struggling with anxiety.  He is leading me now to do a thorough study of "fear" in the Bible. I believe that He wants to lead me into healing from a generational curse of fear.  Looking back on my family, I see generation after generation being paralyzed by fear. I do not want it to go on anymore. I want to be free from it. And I believe that God is going to do that for me. It is not His intention that I live in fear, ever.  He is my Redeemer and Healer!