Saturday afternoon I was at my parent's house when my mom gasped while sitting at the computer. I asked what was wrong. She replied, "Rick Warren's son committed suicide." What????? How can this be? This is beyond horrific. We googled it to find out that since birth this young man had fought deep depression with no response to many types of treatment.
Two years ago, Paul and I attended a conference in Orlando where Rick Warren spoke. Many people have criticized him for being "soft" on the Gospel, I couldn't disagree more! When we heard him speak, he shared the Gospel in full. He was amazing. We are actually supposed to be at that same conference two weeks from today. Pastor Warren is supposed to be there, but now I wonder if his heart and his wife's heart can endure being apart from one another.
I have been shaken deeply by this young man's death. Matthew was his name. Matthew which means, "Gift of God". I can't explain the deep disruption in my soul. I am left with deep questions about why? Why was he not allowed to experience the release from depression? Why do his parents and family have to endure this deep, deep pain?
I wonder why I get to experience God's beautiful grace by finding quick relief from panic attacks, but this young man suffered his entire life. I am taken back that I am so deeply unworthy of God's grace, yet He lavishes it on me fully. And just because I have experienced some freedom doesn't mean that I was any better than Matthew or any more worthy than Matthew.
I remember when I got married. As Paul and I were leaving the reception, I went to hug Courtney, my best friend since 11 years old. I hugged her and sobbed because I knew that when she went home that night she would be deeply saddened that she was still single. Why did God make her wait longer than me? She is now married and having a baby this summer. Yet her wait was so much longer than mine. We shed tears together as we waited for God to bring men to us that were men of God. She didn't do anything wrong, but her wait was 9 years longer than mine.
These issues cause me to wrestle with God, much like Jacob did. Answer me, tell me!! Why did Tammy Cyvekus, of Marshfield, die? She had 5 wonderful, home-schooled children who needed their mama. She fought so valiantly and never gave in. She came and taught the little kids on Sundays when she could barely walk. She refused to give that up. Why?
But here is what I am left with..I will never have the answers to these questions on this side of Heaven. These are the questions that just can't be answered on earth. These are the questions that are left for the Lord to answer should He so choose to. These are the questions that move my faith from being a surface faith to a deep abiding faith. I have to choose to TRUST that He is fully in control. I don't get it. It makes me angry, but He gets it and He knows why. I don't like His ways right now, but I have to trust that His way is always the perfect way.
I am also reminded that we see in a tunnel of earthly wisdom. We only know earth. His ways are higher than our ways. And His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He knows more than I do. We see through a glass darkly, as I Corinthians tells us. I like to think I know it all, and that I have the full picture. But I just DON'T.
With each tragedy that I hear about via the news or another way, I long more and more for that day that there will be no more tears, no more questions of why. We will be safe in His presence. Worshiping our Glorious Maker.
I hold onto the hope that He is all sufficient, all powerful, all good and all faithful. And one day, we will no longer ache with the pain of death.
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